It Seems
My writing process usually begins
with a personal experience I had and would like to share or an idea, as most
writers agree the best words come from your heart and your personal
experiences.
But when the heart is so weary,
the mind so shattered and the days stretch to infinity. What are you to write
about?
Indeed it has been a while that I
haven’t visited my blog or shared a post, partly because of being over worked
true but for the most why would I bother coming back when it seems I am turning
around the same problem over and over. If I am tired, I can expect the same
from my readers.
When I started this post, I
couldn't even give it a title which is quite unusual as I name my posts or my
word file before even starting. Well not this time, as I am writing these
lines, this post remains anonymous and unnamed for reason somewhat even obscure
to me.
I am hoping as I poor my heart,
the name and experiences will collide. It seems too much interference and
negative energy from my surrounding have caused a blockage.
This post was written a couple of
weeks back and remained dormant and lost till today, I don’t recall the time
evolution but as I never leave a post unpublished, here goes.
Mixed emotions ranging from being
unappreciated, ignored, taken for granted to over worked for people who seem to
have no interest in you whatsoever.
Everything seems more important
than you, you are just another pretty face or an over achiever and for what? At
the end of the day others are taking the credit.
Who to turn to, religion? Lately
due to my own misguided attempts to a normal life, religion seems contradicting
with my life style and choices. It used to bring me peace but now it raises
more questions.
Music, writing? Writing has
always been my primary stress release and outlet from my daily struggles, but
I don’t even have the time nor the will anymore. Music used to be a good way to
calm down, get over a heart break, and find strength, some lyrics I can never
forget. However, either my music tastes utterly evolved or today’s music is all
gibberish for me, it is true as I cannot even listen to 1 minute before
drifting off and my head starts to wander.
Social life and friends? I am
grateful to my remaining handful of trustworthy friends but with each their own
path we tend to slowly drift apart. The effort to reconnect makes all the
difference, but I cannot seem to find joy with the simple pleasures as I
constantly feel a shadow lurking in the dark and glancing over my shoulder.
It seems all give and no take
makes jack a stupid boy. Every attempt to make a difference back fires in one
way or another, the person closest to you doesn't need you anymore, it seems
time does help us heal, well not entirely correct, it does heal some wounds but
sadly opens others , deep scars.
What are scars? But unhealed
wounds leaving a mark for ever to taunt us.
It seems everything you built can
fall apart , it only takes one wrong step and someone not there to catch you
and you fall, and fall repeatedly till you become numb , when everything
doesn’t make a difference anymore.
All you have left is yourself,
but when your own inner demons start haunting you, your inner self becomes a
torment rather than a sanctuary.
You don’t even feel telling them
the slightest detail, where to start? You choose your words carefully as not to
be misunderstood and dig yourself your own quick sand pit. You tip toe around
every sensitive subject and for what? Either way you seem to be playing a game
of snakes and ladders.
You try to forget but when your
compassion and empathy are your traits, forgetting is never an option.
In the end, what really remains
are unanswered questions of why and what happened? When everything seemed to be
on the right track, a crash happens. Making you question a lot of things, yet
putting some points into perspective.
On an off note, I stumbled on
this song which quite fits this post: It is entitled “my head is a jungle”
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