Lost Soul

Lost soul

When you are at a turning point in your life, a crossroad where every decision can unleash a catatonic roll that may as well affect your entire future.

A lost soul is not a lost case, doesn’t have to be a dead man walking nor a criminal nor a psychological incident.

It is a crucial time, when you need your friends, family and if you have a lover; someone to give genuine advice, love you unconditionally and support you.

What road to take, what path to walk, whom to choose… a million questions running through your head.

Should you settle for the safest option, settle for the easy or take that risk and thrive for more, walk into the unknown.

Stay or go, option 1 or option 2 either way some good is bound to come at the end, it is just a matter of casualty along the way.

Depression is part of this infinite loop, nothing seems to be heading towards a bountiful end, you become lost, irritated and loose your spark.

You try to look for an exit in this world of fear; you’ve had enough you hope to find the path that leads away.

Time to stand up, enough wishing that the wind would carry change: you have to realize that you are the wind carrying change; you have had it inside you all along.

Looking through the window to a world of dreams, you can see your future slip away. You need a change but you won’t get there if you don’t believe.


If you’ve had enough of chasing luck, then set fire to the life that you knew and look for your ticket out before your chances start fading away in front of your eyes, with each step backwards take two onwards.

Finally when you are there at that finishing line you have set, if you look back you would see the flame that was in you, it just needed to ignite.

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Pandora's Box

     Here goes nothing, this post is a time bomb for I am not sure when it will tick and blow out. Too many things happened, the emotional drainage and the deception.

It was bound to compile in one ultimate shaker and blow up, this may well be my very last post. At least regarding relationship, I know in time I will heal hopefully but for now I find myself having set a timer on a time bomb.

Tick tock, with every second we get closer to the pinnacle with every breath you take you feel how the air has become heavier, it drops down to your heart like a bullet. What to say? What to do? Where to go from here?

This is the end, you hold your breath and count to ten? No, this is the end, you hold your breath and take that step that you knew has long been awaited, when you have counted to a million, ten more or ten less won’t make any difference.

They say, when you are in love, really madly in love you know when your lover is dead, when they are happy or sad. Indeed, except sadly, you would also know when it went wrong, when something that shouldn't have happened actually happened.

You are intertwined, whether you wanted or not, any shred of doubt, of passion of deception you can feel it miles away.

Yes, you can talk, yes you can be reassured, but once doubt creeps in your heart, once you stray from the path it can never be undone. Just like Pandora’s Box, once opened all the evils in the world were unleashed and still haunt us to this very day.

Any shred of doubt, is an imminent indicator of a storm brewing on the horizon, you may well be protected and sheltered but you can never fully escape it. You may run for a day, a week or a year but it is bound to catch up to you.

They say, all that remained in Pandora’s Box was hope, but what hope? The hope that you can pretend that nothing happened and move on with your life, lying to yourself and to the others?

You may mend it, but a broken heart is much like broken glass, you may glue it back together but you will always see the crack. That fragile heart, with every beat it risks shattering that glass again and again.

Who can you blame? Either yourself or the one person you trusted. Because in the end you reap what you sow, a grain sowed in harsh soil and in betrayal, a barren land will never grow up to be more than a fragile shrub.

My personal conviction was and will ever remain, temptation is a bitch the easiest way and common sense would dictate to refrain ourselves. But when you play with fire someone is bound to get burnt, not necessarily you but someone very close. You entered the fire in your domain so you bear the consequences, why not avoid it from the start?

Circumstances change, people change that is just the way life is.  Same people, different timing and the outcome would have been way diverse. You cannot blame them, loneliness and desperation are traitorous mistresses. You will find yourself doing things and in situation you wouldn't envy yourself or anybody.

If you would have looked at this day a year ago, would you have foreseen this? Probably not, the future is a blur line forever fluctuating with every decision we make.

     Yet you are here now, and since you have always been put in such “just deal with it “situations, you find yourself dealing with it, any way you can.

You miss the love you loved the most, it is heart breaking to have to go but when the time is right your ship has to sail. 

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It seems

It Seems

    My writing process usually begins with a personal experience I had and would like to share or an idea, as most writers agree the best words come from your heart and your personal experiences.

But when the heart is so weary, the mind so shattered and the days stretch to infinity. What are you to write about?

Indeed it has been a while that I haven’t visited my blog or shared a post, partly because of being over worked true but for the most why would I bother coming back when it seems I am turning around the same problem over and over. If I am tired, I can expect the same from my readers.

When I started this post, I couldn't even give it a title which is quite unusual as I name my posts or my word file before even starting. Well not this time, as I am writing these lines, this post remains anonymous and unnamed for reason somewhat even obscure to me.

I am hoping as I poor my heart, the name and experiences will collide. It seems too much interference and negative energy from my surrounding have caused a blockage.

This post was written a couple of weeks back and remained dormant and lost till today, I don’t recall the time evolution but as I never leave a post unpublished, here goes.

Mixed emotions ranging from being unappreciated, ignored, taken for granted to over worked for people who seem to have no interest in you whatsoever.

Everything seems more important than you, you are just another pretty face or an over achiever and for what? At the end of the day others are taking the credit.

Who to turn to, religion? Lately due to my own misguided attempts to a normal life, religion seems contradicting with my life style and choices. It used to bring me peace but now it raises more questions.

Music, writing? Writing has always been my primary stress release and outlet from my daily struggles, but I don’t even have the time nor the will anymore. Music used to be a good way to calm down, get over a heart break, and find strength, some lyrics I can never forget. However, either my music tastes utterly evolved or today’s music is all gibberish for me, it is true as I cannot even listen to 1 minute before drifting off and my head starts to wander.

Social life and friends? I am grateful to my remaining handful of trustworthy friends but with each their own path we tend to slowly drift apart. The effort to reconnect makes all the difference, but I cannot seem to find joy with the simple pleasures as I constantly feel a shadow lurking in the dark and glancing over my shoulder.

It seems all give and no take makes jack a stupid boy. Every attempt to make a difference back fires in one way or another, the person closest to you doesn't need you anymore, it seems time does help us heal, well not entirely correct, it does heal some wounds but sadly opens others , deep scars.

What are scars? But unhealed wounds leaving a mark for ever to taunt us.

It seems everything you built can fall apart , it only takes one wrong step and someone not there to catch you and you fall, and fall repeatedly till you become numb , when everything doesn’t make a difference anymore.

All you have left is yourself, but when your own inner demons start haunting you, your inner self becomes a torment rather than a sanctuary.

You don’t even feel telling them the slightest detail, where to start? You choose your words carefully as not to be misunderstood and dig yourself your own quick sand pit. You tip toe around every sensitive subject and for what? Either way you seem to be playing a game of snakes and ladders.

   You try to forget but when your compassion and empathy are your traits, forgetting is never an option.

In the end, what really remains are unanswered questions of why and what happened? When everything seemed to be on the right track, a crash happens. Making you question a lot of things, yet putting some points into perspective.

On an off note, I stumbled on this song which quite fits this post: It is entitled “my head is a jungle”

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jaha10-onPE

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The art of deception

The art of deception 

   Mastering a skill requires perseverance, patience and most importantly time. One cannot become master of an art overnight, especially when that art is as tricky as the art of deception.

Deception wields within lies and secrecy, and to deceive or let someone down is a fatal punishment.

If you want to break a human soul all you have to do is lie, break all your promises and watch everything crumble from deception. How can you survive when the person you trusted the most betrays you?

Out of the blue you discover a secret; one they are trying to hide, and you play along their game putting on a poker face, waiting and lurking for them to make one mistake.

Knowing a secret is very empowering, for you get to choose when to confront the liar, when they are in their safe zone, thinking they have fooled everyone. Why wouldn't they? They earned everyone’s trust, but little do they know that with a bit of intuition and trusting your instincts you can uncover many hidden truths.

Secrets and lies have a nasty way of crumbling and surfacing when you least expect it, just when you are comfortable and think you are in the clear, that false sense of security will be your downfall.

What if you knew everything that has been going on for a while now, but with all the goodness in your heart you decide to give a second chance, to let them come clean and confide in you.

They don’t come to you, they chose to lead a secret and obscure road straying from you. Thinking they are in control and they can handle it.

It is not the fact of keeping a secret by itself that hurts the most, no…what keeps you constantly worried, sad and crying every night to sleep is knowing they are oblivious to the fact that you know their secret and fighting so hard not to burst out and let everything fall apart; they are causing you all the pain and sorrow.

All the hard work you put into building trust and honesty is gone, the mistakes of the past come back to haunt you, suddenly you remember you have been down this path before.

You chose to forgive but you never forgot, and how can you? When you have given yourself completely.

Trusting others, giving them a second chance and being honest doesn’t mean being stupid because you reach a point where you can no longer pretend that this will just blow off and go away, even if you wait.

How much can one small heart take before it breaks? Just like every broken promise.

When you were promised honesty you found lies

When you were promised trust you found secrecy

What about all the promises?

The world seemed a happy place, you were unaware of the deception. Yet, here you are, there isn’t a way back, you cannot rewind time, you have to deal with it.

Either you keep everything bottled inside and pretend everything is fine, but deep down you know the lies, or you confront them with the truth.

Nonetheless, confrontation may lead to a separation or someone getting hurt but isn’t someone already being hurt? Knowing a secret is a heavy burden, especially when that secret has a direct effect on you and your life.

Temptation is a bitch, just when you think you are the strongest, you are actually the weakest.

You might think it is a harmless game, just for fun and you can switch it on and off depending on your mood but sadly it is not that simple, when you are playing with fire you are bound to get hurt and what is worst is you might burn someone you really care about, someone you love and has been there for you all the time.

How can you look them in the eyes, if only you knew what lies in their heart, how hurt they are.

You think they don’t know? Well think again. You just have to interpret the signs, you cannot be with your loved one at day and embrace another personality at night to wonder off and let your fantasies roam free.

How can you look them in the eye and tell them you love them, when minutes before or after you were with someone else.

How scared are you of the truth, guess what? It is already out and there is no way of putting it back.

Deleting all the traces won’t delete the effect, you hurt the love you loved the most.

Trust may be regained with a second chance, but blowing your second chance is the dead end ; you cannot get a third chance, not after this.

You will never feel it, but your lover’s heart knows it and feels it, therefore at least have the decency to come clean.

   Finally, tell them you were lying, tell them you have been keeping secrets and they might forgive you, but don’t tell them you love them or try to kiss them. You are just making the wound in the heart deeper.

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The Deep Dark Sea

The Deep Dark Sea

     Mermaids, goddesses of the sea, envied by all for their beauty and immortality.

Swimming in the vast sea, free, no boundaries, no secrets, no lies…Nevertheless, with such bountiful gifts comes a heavy burden, for a mermaid  has a cold heart, one as cold as the winter sea she so freely and ironically swims in.

A heart that may never know love, a heart that sleeps and cannot feel the warmth of human emotions.

Growing up as children, we often heard fairy tales of mermaids falling in love with humans, at that moment their heart awakens, blood starts pumping in and the warmth fills their bodies.

She so desperately yearns to become human, but few stories actually have been told about humans desiring to be turned into mere people.

“I want my body to be set to sail the seven seas, free, untamed, and unburied”

In a few occasions, the call of the deep blue sea is hard to resist, because there are no secrets under the sea.

If you knew a secret would you tell it?

It is critical if someone is being lied to and you hold within you the answers.

The truth will set you free but you might hurt someone and make everything worst.

Many people would rather live a lie than to accept the truth, for it is too harsh to deal with.

Would you protect them or force them to face their demons?

“They don’t want you to worry about them, they are strong, even if your happiness no longer resides next to them especially that next to them is far away.

After every soul is asleep, the night is embraced, all is silent, the clam sea shields what lies beneath, the silent broken by a wave crashing on the rocky coast.

A shift occurs, the new identity is embraced, for the sea is a traitorous mistress; one whose fury can swallow worlds.

The deep dark sea hides it all, keeping the knowledge to yourself will make you suffer alone in agony masking what lies beneath by a serene surface.

If you pour you heart into this vast sea, how insignificant would it be?

Waves, they come from the deep, carrying you to me. Whatever you may try to hide, the tempest will make it rise.

The fury of the sea has no boundaries, in a fraction of a second it can turn from clear blue and breezy into a raging typhoon.

When humans see the calm surface, they tend to forget that beneath dwells hidden a bottomless pit boiling up.

However, it knows your deepest secrets, insecurities and desires.

The fate of the entire planet depends on the sea, it has too much to care for, yet the wind blows her lover and best friend away.

     Finally, she knows everyone’s secrets, they come to sit on the shore and confide in her. She knows your secrets, yet she fears opening up to you, she fears driving you off the edge of the cliff and into her abyss.

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Arabian Nights

Arabian nights

      To all my avid readers who never missed a blog post, I must apologize for breaking my schedule of one post per week.

As I have mentioned in my previous post “Dark Reflection “dating back to earlier this month 6/6/2013, I had a few reasons for this deviation from my weekly schedule.

Indeed during the month of May I had my university finals and due projects for the end of the semester, it consumed most of my time since I also have a full time job. In the end, it was all good I pulled an A (geeky moment).

Afterwards, I took a much needed one week vacation to Dubai. Why Dubai might you ask? It wasn't a fantasy of Arabian nights but having traveled around a few places, Dubai seemed a good destination since a dear friend has moved there for good.

My friend found a great job opportunity and he was enthusiastic for my arrival he had planned an action fun packed week.

What immediately caught my eye in Dubai, were the humongous sky scrapers, they do like it big there, form Burj Khalifa to Burj El Arab.  I have to give it up to the Dubai government for turning a desert into an oasis in less than ten years.

During the last decade Dubai has turned into a business hub in the Gulf and Mena Region, attracting multinational corporations, also it has become a prime tourist spot in the region with a unique interaction of the local people and culture midst all resident and working foreigners.

In Dubai mall, truly the largest mall in the world you can find a shop for anything, I do mean anything. They even have a shop just for selling corn and everything related.  I needed two visits to cover the entire premises.

We did also an amazing safari in the middle of the desert, went up to the top of Burj Kahlifa and much more…

However, my unforgettable experience was a surprise swim with the dolphins.  My friend knew my passion for dolphins and how much I wanted to interact with them up close, so he booked a session in Atlantis for a swim with the dolphins and a visit to the enormous aquariums, home to thousands of colorful and unique fishes.

My joy was indescribable, like a baby I must say, I was touching, playing and even kissing a dolphin.

The dolphin could feel my energy and enthusiasm, out of all the people there she kept coming to me and even disobeying her trainer when he called her. I wish I could take her home with me.

And thus an unforgettable memory will always link me to Dubai, a dream come true. Finally, now I am well rested and ready to continue blogging with full force.

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Dark Reflection

Dark Reflection

       (Before I start, I dedicate this post to Carol who recently stumbled upon my blog, and showed so much interest and support, you motivated me to continue with full force and sorry to my dear readers for the one month break but will explain it in an upcoming post). 

  Why are tears salty? A question I have never really asked myself, the answer when you think of it is pure biology and a simple one might I add: salt kills bacteria which are secreted through your eyes and help you heal.

However, the emotional reason couldn't be further from the truth, help us heal? Some of us already have trouble crying, I for one cry on rare occasions but when I do it is usually waterfalls.

Not all tears are evil, when you reach a boiling point, crying is one of the only healthy and normal outlets. But can it heal? If it does we wouldn't stop crying at every occasion. Can tears heal a broken heart? Can tears awaken a deceased loved one? Can they fill the loneliness and shatter the silence of the night.

Can tears make us happy afterwards? Can they fill the void in our soul?

I am not sure about that, all I know is at least we are showing emotions, we are not dead from the inside, a small light is still shimmering.

You cry when everyone has turned their backs on you, each to their own despair and life.

When you stuck by everyone’s side through every single ordeal, you turn your back for once second and you realize you have been deserted, a lonely trooper in the desert facing all odds.

If you pulled yourself together and managed to keep a veil, fooling your entourage for a second, what will lead you to despair is their nonchalance, they will keep stabbing you till the last drop of blood.

They are oblivious, fine!  But let them at least be courteous enough to leave you on your own.

Do you still recognize that person in the mirror? Who is she/he? Is it just a reflection, a dark figure with an empty glare?

Along the road, you lost yourself without even realizing it, life has taken its toll. However, your eyes see through it, you may be able to fool everyone but that voice inside your head will whisper you the sad truth.

Let us go back in time when things were simpler, it may be a couple of weeks ago or maybe ages, where was your sanctuary? That unforgettable trip to your favorite spot? In your mother’s arm when everything was safe? Or maybe enjoying a nice diner with that soul mate whom you might have eventually got married to or regretted letting them slip through your fingers.

Yes, life is full of regrets, but I wouldn't call it regret but rather experiences, may it be pleasant or may it be gloomy. We regret or miss something or someone only after they are out of the picture.

We only miss the warmth till it is cold, we only miss the light till it is dark, and we only miss the heartbeat till it stops.

You don’t care about anything anymore, you lost your passion, your motivation your drive, your essence. Let the wind take you in all directions, swirling to infinity.

You are scared of being intimate with yourself and opening up, keeping everything buried deep, trying to ignore those epiphany moments when the truth surges to the surface and hits you in the face.

The reasons and causes are just right in front of your eyes, you decide, you have every reason to stay, and fight, also inevitably every reason to surrender and leave.

Life is full of choices, we make it and stir it as we desire. Dare to be stupid, dare to make mistakes but never lose that innocence and purity at heart. 

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