Lost Soul

Lost soul

When you are at a turning point in your life, a crossroad where every decision can unleash a catatonic roll that may as well affect your entire future.

A lost soul is not a lost case, doesn’t have to be a dead man walking nor a criminal nor a psychological incident.

It is a crucial time, when you need your friends, family and if you have a lover; someone to give genuine advice, love you unconditionally and support you.

What road to take, what path to walk, whom to choose… a million questions running through your head.

Should you settle for the safest option, settle for the easy or take that risk and thrive for more, walk into the unknown.

Stay or go, option 1 or option 2 either way some good is bound to come at the end, it is just a matter of casualty along the way.

Depression is part of this infinite loop, nothing seems to be heading towards a bountiful end, you become lost, irritated and loose your spark.

You try to look for an exit in this world of fear; you’ve had enough you hope to find the path that leads away.

Time to stand up, enough wishing that the wind would carry change: you have to realize that you are the wind carrying change; you have had it inside you all along.

Looking through the window to a world of dreams, you can see your future slip away. You need a change but you won’t get there if you don’t believe.


If you’ve had enough of chasing luck, then set fire to the life that you knew and look for your ticket out before your chances start fading away in front of your eyes, with each step backwards take two onwards.

Finally when you are there at that finishing line you have set, if you look back you would see the flame that was in you, it just needed to ignite.

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Pandora's Box

     Here goes nothing, this post is a time bomb for I am not sure when it will tick and blow out. Too many things happened, the emotional drainage and the deception.

It was bound to compile in one ultimate shaker and blow up, this may well be my very last post. At least regarding relationship, I know in time I will heal hopefully but for now I find myself having set a timer on a time bomb.

Tick tock, with every second we get closer to the pinnacle with every breath you take you feel how the air has become heavier, it drops down to your heart like a bullet. What to say? What to do? Where to go from here?

This is the end, you hold your breath and count to ten? No, this is the end, you hold your breath and take that step that you knew has long been awaited, when you have counted to a million, ten more or ten less won’t make any difference.

They say, when you are in love, really madly in love you know when your lover is dead, when they are happy or sad. Indeed, except sadly, you would also know when it went wrong, when something that shouldn't have happened actually happened.

You are intertwined, whether you wanted or not, any shred of doubt, of passion of deception you can feel it miles away.

Yes, you can talk, yes you can be reassured, but once doubt creeps in your heart, once you stray from the path it can never be undone. Just like Pandora’s Box, once opened all the evils in the world were unleashed and still haunt us to this very day.

Any shred of doubt, is an imminent indicator of a storm brewing on the horizon, you may well be protected and sheltered but you can never fully escape it. You may run for a day, a week or a year but it is bound to catch up to you.

They say, all that remained in Pandora’s Box was hope, but what hope? The hope that you can pretend that nothing happened and move on with your life, lying to yourself and to the others?

You may mend it, but a broken heart is much like broken glass, you may glue it back together but you will always see the crack. That fragile heart, with every beat it risks shattering that glass again and again.

Who can you blame? Either yourself or the one person you trusted. Because in the end you reap what you sow, a grain sowed in harsh soil and in betrayal, a barren land will never grow up to be more than a fragile shrub.

My personal conviction was and will ever remain, temptation is a bitch the easiest way and common sense would dictate to refrain ourselves. But when you play with fire someone is bound to get burnt, not necessarily you but someone very close. You entered the fire in your domain so you bear the consequences, why not avoid it from the start?

Circumstances change, people change that is just the way life is.  Same people, different timing and the outcome would have been way diverse. You cannot blame them, loneliness and desperation are traitorous mistresses. You will find yourself doing things and in situation you wouldn't envy yourself or anybody.

If you would have looked at this day a year ago, would you have foreseen this? Probably not, the future is a blur line forever fluctuating with every decision we make.

     Yet you are here now, and since you have always been put in such “just deal with it “situations, you find yourself dealing with it, any way you can.

You miss the love you loved the most, it is heart breaking to have to go but when the time is right your ship has to sail. 

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It seems

It Seems

    My writing process usually begins with a personal experience I had and would like to share or an idea, as most writers agree the best words come from your heart and your personal experiences.

But when the heart is so weary, the mind so shattered and the days stretch to infinity. What are you to write about?

Indeed it has been a while that I haven’t visited my blog or shared a post, partly because of being over worked true but for the most why would I bother coming back when it seems I am turning around the same problem over and over. If I am tired, I can expect the same from my readers.

When I started this post, I couldn't even give it a title which is quite unusual as I name my posts or my word file before even starting. Well not this time, as I am writing these lines, this post remains anonymous and unnamed for reason somewhat even obscure to me.

I am hoping as I poor my heart, the name and experiences will collide. It seems too much interference and negative energy from my surrounding have caused a blockage.

This post was written a couple of weeks back and remained dormant and lost till today, I don’t recall the time evolution but as I never leave a post unpublished, here goes.

Mixed emotions ranging from being unappreciated, ignored, taken for granted to over worked for people who seem to have no interest in you whatsoever.

Everything seems more important than you, you are just another pretty face or an over achiever and for what? At the end of the day others are taking the credit.

Who to turn to, religion? Lately due to my own misguided attempts to a normal life, religion seems contradicting with my life style and choices. It used to bring me peace but now it raises more questions.

Music, writing? Writing has always been my primary stress release and outlet from my daily struggles, but I don’t even have the time nor the will anymore. Music used to be a good way to calm down, get over a heart break, and find strength, some lyrics I can never forget. However, either my music tastes utterly evolved or today’s music is all gibberish for me, it is true as I cannot even listen to 1 minute before drifting off and my head starts to wander.

Social life and friends? I am grateful to my remaining handful of trustworthy friends but with each their own path we tend to slowly drift apart. The effort to reconnect makes all the difference, but I cannot seem to find joy with the simple pleasures as I constantly feel a shadow lurking in the dark and glancing over my shoulder.

It seems all give and no take makes jack a stupid boy. Every attempt to make a difference back fires in one way or another, the person closest to you doesn't need you anymore, it seems time does help us heal, well not entirely correct, it does heal some wounds but sadly opens others , deep scars.

What are scars? But unhealed wounds leaving a mark for ever to taunt us.

It seems everything you built can fall apart , it only takes one wrong step and someone not there to catch you and you fall, and fall repeatedly till you become numb , when everything doesn’t make a difference anymore.

All you have left is yourself, but when your own inner demons start haunting you, your inner self becomes a torment rather than a sanctuary.

You don’t even feel telling them the slightest detail, where to start? You choose your words carefully as not to be misunderstood and dig yourself your own quick sand pit. You tip toe around every sensitive subject and for what? Either way you seem to be playing a game of snakes and ladders.

   You try to forget but when your compassion and empathy are your traits, forgetting is never an option.

In the end, what really remains are unanswered questions of why and what happened? When everything seemed to be on the right track, a crash happens. Making you question a lot of things, yet putting some points into perspective.

On an off note, I stumbled on this song which quite fits this post: It is entitled “my head is a jungle”

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jaha10-onPE

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The art of deception

The art of deception 

   Mastering a skill requires perseverance, patience and most importantly time. One cannot become master of an art overnight, especially when that art is as tricky as the art of deception.

Deception wields within lies and secrecy, and to deceive or let someone down is a fatal punishment.

If you want to break a human soul all you have to do is lie, break all your promises and watch everything crumble from deception. How can you survive when the person you trusted the most betrays you?

Out of the blue you discover a secret; one they are trying to hide, and you play along their game putting on a poker face, waiting and lurking for them to make one mistake.

Knowing a secret is very empowering, for you get to choose when to confront the liar, when they are in their safe zone, thinking they have fooled everyone. Why wouldn't they? They earned everyone’s trust, but little do they know that with a bit of intuition and trusting your instincts you can uncover many hidden truths.

Secrets and lies have a nasty way of crumbling and surfacing when you least expect it, just when you are comfortable and think you are in the clear, that false sense of security will be your downfall.

What if you knew everything that has been going on for a while now, but with all the goodness in your heart you decide to give a second chance, to let them come clean and confide in you.

They don’t come to you, they chose to lead a secret and obscure road straying from you. Thinking they are in control and they can handle it.

It is not the fact of keeping a secret by itself that hurts the most, no…what keeps you constantly worried, sad and crying every night to sleep is knowing they are oblivious to the fact that you know their secret and fighting so hard not to burst out and let everything fall apart; they are causing you all the pain and sorrow.

All the hard work you put into building trust and honesty is gone, the mistakes of the past come back to haunt you, suddenly you remember you have been down this path before.

You chose to forgive but you never forgot, and how can you? When you have given yourself completely.

Trusting others, giving them a second chance and being honest doesn’t mean being stupid because you reach a point where you can no longer pretend that this will just blow off and go away, even if you wait.

How much can one small heart take before it breaks? Just like every broken promise.

When you were promised honesty you found lies

When you were promised trust you found secrecy

What about all the promises?

The world seemed a happy place, you were unaware of the deception. Yet, here you are, there isn’t a way back, you cannot rewind time, you have to deal with it.

Either you keep everything bottled inside and pretend everything is fine, but deep down you know the lies, or you confront them with the truth.

Nonetheless, confrontation may lead to a separation or someone getting hurt but isn’t someone already being hurt? Knowing a secret is a heavy burden, especially when that secret has a direct effect on you and your life.

Temptation is a bitch, just when you think you are the strongest, you are actually the weakest.

You might think it is a harmless game, just for fun and you can switch it on and off depending on your mood but sadly it is not that simple, when you are playing with fire you are bound to get hurt and what is worst is you might burn someone you really care about, someone you love and has been there for you all the time.

How can you look them in the eyes, if only you knew what lies in their heart, how hurt they are.

You think they don’t know? Well think again. You just have to interpret the signs, you cannot be with your loved one at day and embrace another personality at night to wonder off and let your fantasies roam free.

How can you look them in the eye and tell them you love them, when minutes before or after you were with someone else.

How scared are you of the truth, guess what? It is already out and there is no way of putting it back.

Deleting all the traces won’t delete the effect, you hurt the love you loved the most.

Trust may be regained with a second chance, but blowing your second chance is the dead end ; you cannot get a third chance, not after this.

You will never feel it, but your lover’s heart knows it and feels it, therefore at least have the decency to come clean.

   Finally, tell them you were lying, tell them you have been keeping secrets and they might forgive you, but don’t tell them you love them or try to kiss them. You are just making the wound in the heart deeper.

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The Deep Dark Sea

The Deep Dark Sea

     Mermaids, goddesses of the sea, envied by all for their beauty and immortality.

Swimming in the vast sea, free, no boundaries, no secrets, no lies…Nevertheless, with such bountiful gifts comes a heavy burden, for a mermaid  has a cold heart, one as cold as the winter sea she so freely and ironically swims in.

A heart that may never know love, a heart that sleeps and cannot feel the warmth of human emotions.

Growing up as children, we often heard fairy tales of mermaids falling in love with humans, at that moment their heart awakens, blood starts pumping in and the warmth fills their bodies.

She so desperately yearns to become human, but few stories actually have been told about humans desiring to be turned into mere people.

“I want my body to be set to sail the seven seas, free, untamed, and unburied”

In a few occasions, the call of the deep blue sea is hard to resist, because there are no secrets under the sea.

If you knew a secret would you tell it?

It is critical if someone is being lied to and you hold within you the answers.

The truth will set you free but you might hurt someone and make everything worst.

Many people would rather live a lie than to accept the truth, for it is too harsh to deal with.

Would you protect them or force them to face their demons?

“They don’t want you to worry about them, they are strong, even if your happiness no longer resides next to them especially that next to them is far away.

After every soul is asleep, the night is embraced, all is silent, the clam sea shields what lies beneath, the silent broken by a wave crashing on the rocky coast.

A shift occurs, the new identity is embraced, for the sea is a traitorous mistress; one whose fury can swallow worlds.

The deep dark sea hides it all, keeping the knowledge to yourself will make you suffer alone in agony masking what lies beneath by a serene surface.

If you pour you heart into this vast sea, how insignificant would it be?

Waves, they come from the deep, carrying you to me. Whatever you may try to hide, the tempest will make it rise.

The fury of the sea has no boundaries, in a fraction of a second it can turn from clear blue and breezy into a raging typhoon.

When humans see the calm surface, they tend to forget that beneath dwells hidden a bottomless pit boiling up.

However, it knows your deepest secrets, insecurities and desires.

The fate of the entire planet depends on the sea, it has too much to care for, yet the wind blows her lover and best friend away.

     Finally, she knows everyone’s secrets, they come to sit on the shore and confide in her. She knows your secrets, yet she fears opening up to you, she fears driving you off the edge of the cliff and into her abyss.

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My life:the music

My life: the music

      Has it ever happened to you? When you are in a specific state of mind or emotion, you hear a perfect song that fits your needs. It is as if the singer is giving words to your feelings and materializing them.

It hit me when through a rough patch I heard coincidentally a song by Taylor swift:” Knew you were trouble” (  Youtube link )

Haven’t we all done it before? Whether it’s a relationship or not, deep down you feel instinctively that this situation might have a negative outcome yet you go through with it.

I agree mostly, it’s applicable to relationships: you say why not, or let’s see where this is going and out of the blue you find yourself inseparable form that person. When at the beginning you were pretty sure it was trouble, the sad part is you get attached against your best judgment and try not to over think about the outcome till it happens.

A fight or problem will leave you vulnerable because you went in too deep after you promised yourself you won’t.

On another note, I have noticed that these coincidences are very frequent with me, in good and bad occasions.  However, the last time it happened to me it was almost an infinite loop: in the car and especially in the restaurant where I was having diner, I was bombarded with songs such as: Someone like you (Adele), Titanium (David Guetta), Trust you again (Muttonheads)… All that while trying to talk about the relationship and the outcome on my date.

Furthermore, we tend to find ourselves in the same situation at work: out of need or routine you stick to a job you may not really like since there a no other opportunities in the near future.  Why you may ask?

In both cases it is the fear of the unknown, when get accustomed to a certain pattern it becomes your comfort zone, you try to make it work and patch it up even if you know at one point something broken cannot really be fixed over and over.

     In the end, it will take courage for that leap, to try and escape because in the unknown may be a great opportunity. However, if you are still trying to make it last and solving every problem separately it could mean also that you know it is worth it, it is worth fighting once more for what you believe is a key component to your happiness. 

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Crossroads

            Let us consider our life as a road, our birth marks the beginning and the first step and our death will mark the end of the journey and the final resting place.

The way we decide to live our life is ours to choose: what turn to take, how fast to walk through it and where to go from every crossroad.

I understand it is customary to contemplate on the unfolded year on New Year and to decide your new resolutions. However, for me this month marks a special date and it has become a milestone and my reference.

Therefore, I decided to start the process earlier this year and not wait till New Year: when I look back on the year that passed, I am mostly grateful for everything that has happened.

Over all it was an eventful year, marking my return to my home country after a 2 years hiatus, continuing my Masters degree in France, meeting that special someone, getting a  great job opportunity and a new car to state a few.

Of course, I had my ups and downs, it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine but I made it through thanks to the great support of my friends and family.

Everybody can be proud of at least one thing he has done this previous year even the smallest accomplishment should be celebrated. Each can only do as much as they can, but never wait till it’s too late.

Every day is a new slate for you to make of it what you want. Breaks are rare in life, so when you recognize one, seize it immediately before it’s too late.  

Seasons change and so must do we , also we are reborn daily, therefore think about the potential.

When you’re at a crossroad, choose your path wisely but never regret it if you feel you failed, because a fall can be a blessing in disguise. Asking " the what if?" question will not help you because you cannot go back in time and redo it.

Finally, what you can do is accept your decision and try to make it work to your advantage.

All roads will lead to your destiny, some slower, some faster, some easier and some harder but you will get there !

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Lessons learned

Lessons Learned

            Each day is a new beginning, a new chance to redo what you might have regretted, to tell someone sorry or I love you. What was done, with the past is gone after all we are living in the present and the future is ours to write and re write.

            I’m going to share some insights I had these couple of months for I believe you should live it and experience it before even thinking about writing it. Those who preach about theories and had never truly lived the emotions or situations are just lecturing empty words.

·                   As the picture above clearly states it, sometimes you have to let go: I had to set someone I love free because when you truly love a person you think of their happiness before yours. I set them free, now they came back and we are stronger than ever.

·                When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up: it’s so true after all when you are so down you can only go up. We all have some dark moments when everything and everyone seems to be against us, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It’s a chance to realize that you are special, you are worth so much more and you can rise to the challenge and come out victorious.

·               Never accept to be second to someone, when you can be first to someone else: We have all been taken for granted and we might have tried to stay in the relationship or work or… just because we were afraid to take that next step and move on: the fear of the unknown. However, when you are alone it doesn’t mean you are lonely.

·               You can`t make the same mistake twice, the second time you make it, it`s no longer a mistake, it`s a choice: we should give second chances, but trust your instincts when you fell unease about something, don’t ignore that feeling for it’s a clue to keep you alert. Be careful not to make the same mistake twice, therefore be sure it’s worth it and try to get it right the second time around.

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Soul mate? so when's the date?

This post is a special request from my best friend; he recently underwent a hard breakup after a 3 years relationship. Harsh right? 

              When you get used to someone for that long a co dependence is inevitable, therefore when you go cold turkey at once you feel lost as if a limb has been cut off. I don’t believe there is only one soul mate, I mean let’s be realistic there are roughly 7 billion human on earth so the odds are against us. From purely a statistical point of view the chances of meeting your soul mate are right next to zero.

              However, I do consider that throughout your life time you will encounter suitable “soul mates”, they are rare,  so far for me I have met only 2, they’re the ones that when reflecting upon the past you say they were the ones that got away. 

             Not every relationship is tied to your soul mate; some relations are purely established upon physical attraction, common interests or materialistic needs… So when you do find the one you fuse together in order to become one body, the Supreme Being.

             As Plato described love: when we mortals first came to earth we were one body, combining both female and male parts. Therefore the gods were terrified of such a creature; it possessed immense strength and stamina. Zeus stroked the creature with a lightning bolt and cut it in half, thus man and woman became separate beings. Afterwards, they started this endless quest to reconnect in order to reform the Supreme Being.

             From the “let’s keep it “perspective, often both parties of the relation have done something wrong, because if it’s one sided then you are in an abusive relationship, so get the heck out. So in this case, when one decided that a break is needed, the other took it quite hard.

              From my perspective, this break was inevitable for they were at a crossroad and each chose a different path. One needed to mature, enjoy life and find herself: this a normal phase in life and I think we all should get some time alone to figure out what are ambitions and what we want in life.  The other, was comfortable in his relationship therefore he was in the same pattern and failed to notice that change was coming and failed to keep the pace. 

              Effective communication is the bases, as I’ve said it many times before. When you talk it over and over you want hit the wall at light speed. You will gradually know that you are drifting apart. Now that it happened there is no point in reminiscing on the past; of course nostalgia to the good all days is inevitable but second chances are given in life and you should give yourself that second chance if you believe he or she is worth it. 

         In the end my friend I can only say be honest with yourself, and hopefully she will be honest with herself; true love deserves sacrifice and if deep down in your heart you know that he or she is the one then you will do the impossible to get them back. And I can say you have done it, no regrets.

The way I see it your story has not yet ended, many chapters will be written and only time will tell what the outcome will be. Finally I say, keep them in your life because nobody knows how life’s turning, the future is ours to make.

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My favorite quotes 1

        Everyday is a new lesson we learn in life, we accumulate experiences  and grow as a person. If we didn't experience a certain situation, we can be sure that another person had passed by this situation or at least thought about it. In this post, you can find my favorite quotes and sayings, each represent a different phase of my life.

I've found them to be so genuine, and accurate therefore I hope they would light up your mind and shed some insight. 

·         How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'.

      We always say I wanna do this or that, I have so many ideas and project. However, we procrastinate and eventually we achieve barely anything.  We need the will power to commit and patience to continue what we have started. Today is the answer not tomorrow. 

    

      Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.

      It's simple : dare to dream, your dreams have no limit. Live everyday to the fullest, enjoy it and don't let it go to waste. The years will pass by quickly and you will remain only with regrets and broken dreams.

    

·         Happiness isn’t the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them.

     Struggling with problems is somewhat our daily bread, but even from the harshest problems we can find hope.If everyday we are happy then happiness will become a vain emotion and not what keeps us motivated in our perpetual quest. Sadness is needed to make us appreciate what we have and be grateful when we find happiness. 

      There are no failures - just experiences and your reactions to them.

      Few people can be successful in every project they undertake in life. However, these people won't really understand the true meaning of success, because they haven't experienced a failure. They will eventually stop pushing their selves to do better. While just one failure, is enough to test our strength, and the ability to overcome come this failure will require all our stamina an optimism. This will be an unforgettable experience, and from failure will come success. The phoenix rising from his ashes.

      Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.

     I believe that friendship knows no age, sex, religion... A best friend is a rare gem, someone who is here for you even when you don't need him/her. They will instinctively feel that you need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear you and a heart to love you. As the season change, as we grow, the name we hear that makes us warm inside and puts a smile on our face is our best friend. A true friend is a face we never forget, (we'd look at each other and say those were the days my friend, we'd wish they'd never end.: Mary Hopkins song

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